Our relationship has been very thought provoking over the years. It's evolved a lot since we met and looking back it feels like a roller coaster of perspective. I think I've only just figured out how to properly communicate the dynamics I've been feeling over the previous few years as we've spent time together. It's all about balance.

Example: Luisa and I visited for dinner. At one point we started discussing Nomadland, which you were recommending. Luisa said she had never heard of it. I had mentioned it to Luisa the previous three days in a row. So then we started talking about how I tell Luisa about movies. I tell her about many, frequently, and often start describing them by listing the primary creatives behind them. You and Luisa spent 10 minutes telling how I could communicate better. Tell the story, not the names, "no one knows the names". After y'all had made your point I said something like, "Ok. So that's one side. The past 10 minutes we've talked about I can communicate better. Now, it could also be said that you could listen better or be patient with how I am compelled to communicate on the subject." Luisa then said that she had learned to recognize many of the prominent directors and actors by name and style since we met. Luisa also mentioned that knowing a movie was, for example, directed by Tarantino conveys a lot more about what to expect from the film than a story summary. She accepted my counterpoint immediately and thoughtfully.

  Suffice it to say that this sort of thing, the experience of being advised how to fit in, happens a lot in interactions with you. Fitting in has always been a strong motivation for Luisa and I've only recently put it all together. I wish I had a less specific example. Anyways, the reason this is not ideal is that there has been a significant lack of balance in our interactions that I perceive, especially relative to my expectations, and it isn't specifically anyone's fault. I'll explain.

 I've always been driven to try to make sure Luisa and I visit with my family as often as possible, so that they will know one another and bond, and so that my family will represent a proportional impact on the trajectory of our lives together. What I realize is that because my family has not had equal representation in our lives, the balance I feel is way off. And I now realize I subconsciously expect you, a parent figure, to try to help compensate for the imbalance and take my side a little more. It's not fair. I don't think it impacts how I act *too* much, but it's there. It impacts my expectation and my enjoyment of various moments that I wish would unfold differently. 

 I can remember being coached on how to be a good partner and husband since I was ~five years old. Little comments my mom (and dad but to a less memorable extent due primarily to him being the primary provider) would make in such a way that always stuck. I get the sense that this was not something Luisa and her siblings heard much of growing up. It has taken a lot of work with Luisa to help her understand what being a partner is all about. Only last month did she come to me and tell me she had just discovered what the golden rule means, that "it's not just about not being mean to people". It's not even just about treating others as you want to be treated, it's about treating people how they want to be treated so that they will do the same. This was a eureka moment for her, and a breakthrough I had waited a long time for. I've wondered if some part of me blames you for not teaching Luisa the role of a partner, given my mom was so intent on it, and that I had to be the teacher. I think I have, to some degree. And to be transparent, for whatever reason I haven't felt the same thing toward Paolo. That may not be fair, though I also haven't felt the imbalance in visits with Paolo. 

 When we are visiting my parents, or when I call them, my mom and dad will still take me aside in various moments to coach me, subtly. Even you will take me to the side, or make a comment here and there, coaching me on how to be a partner. I've asked Luisa if she has ever gotten any sort of coaching in the same way, from you or Paolo, or mine. She says she never has. This lends further to the imbalance I feel. It feels unfair. The male gets 100% of the relationship guidance and the female gets effectively zero? This has put significant burden on me from time to time in our marriage. Luisa has needed this coaching and it's awkward to be the one to provide it, knowing or feeling so strongly that it was not my role. 

 It likely doesn't help that my mom asked you, at our wedding, if you thought Luisa could handle my strong-mindedness (or something like this). Yes, I can be strong minded. Yes, I can be determined to a particular end. But I am a damn good, thoughtful, caring partner. I'm very cognizant and present in ensuring balanced communication. I ***imagine*** that the worry my mom shared to you, was like inception - seeding an idea which has grown into you feeling a need to compensate unnecessarily in ways that add to my headache rather than in ways that will truly benefit our relationship. 

 By exploring this subconscious factoring I'm not saying I should blame anyone, or that the responsibility of balance should rest on your mom. I'm sharing my inner analysis because I hope it can help you understand what I feel sometimes when we have visited, and why I may in the past have acted in ways that led you to feel tension between us.